Indomitable Spirit

(When we test for our next belt level we are required to write a report.  This time it was about having an Indomitable Spirit.  This is what I wrote.)

My Parents like to tell me a story about when I was getting ready to go to kindergarten.   I needed to get caught up on my immunizations shots.    I have always been terrified of needles, and put up quite a fight when faced with them.  I  I don’t know what it was that triggered the desire to have courage, but I told my Mother that I was not going to cry when I got my shots.  I was going to be brave.  (I do remember making that decision and telling my Mother)  I did cry a little when I got them (I was terrified!), but my Mother said she was proud of how hard I tried to be brave and that it truly impressed her.
 Sense that time I have tried to be brave when it came to things that scared me.  If you think about it, being courageous and brave are some of the building blocks of having an Indomitable Spirit.  As I have gotten older, I have become aware of anxieties and fears that threaten to drown me. There are many things that overwhelm me and some things even feel incapacitating.  As a Mother, I fear for the well being of my children and the responsibility to teach them all they need to know.   I want them to be happy, good and successful in life.   I could never live with myself if I fail them.   A few years ago these things were beginning to crush me, but there is something inside me that refuses to be crushed.  I don’t want to lose the fight.  I don’t want to cower in fear.  I don’t want to drown in anxiety and self doubt.  I have been blessed with determination, but it wasn’t enough to keep my Spirit strong.  It’s like going to battle with only a shield.
 For a long time I tried to get through the days on my own. I would get up each day and go through the motions, I could function but it was a miserable existence.  I didn't like myself and I didn't like how I was treating my friends and family.  I didn't want to do anything.  It wasn’t until I started to read my scriptures and pray with sincerity that I realized what was missing.   I was missing faith. I needed to have faith in my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the presence of Faith.  I never truly put my full trust in him. 
I have been slow to realize that my Heavenly Father knows me as an individual, and he loves me very much.  I have an Indomitable Spirit because I know I can rely on him no matter what.   We were sent to earth to experience trials and be tested.  Our attitude towards difficulties is what makes life joyful or miserable.   It is our choice to find the good in life.  The outcome of this life has already been determined.  The Lord’s side will win.  No question about it.   I know what side I want to be on, and it calms my fears and anxieties to know that if I do my very best, it is expectable to the Lord.   It’s not easy.   There are times I have to force myself to pray, read my scripture, and even go to church.  But I know how good I feel when I do those things.  I want to be able to call upon the Lord for promised blessings, guidance and peace.  Knowing I am doing my best.
With these new understandings my life hasn’t changed much.  I still have anxieties and fears.  What has changed is that I no longer try to get through life on my own strength.  I have turned to the Lord to renew my strength and he has made me able to carry my load.   I once was afraid of the trials that would come my way.  Now I understand that they are for my good, and that I will have the strength to face them and rise above them.  This is why I have an Indomitable Spirit!